Latchkey Kid

You didn’t want attention

my mom said over lunch today

my stepdad must have made a face

she went on, he didn’t, she said

he never wanted to be the center

of attention until he was

in the parking lot refusing to come

in to eat, but that’s another story

In my mind I kept wondering, is it?

I remember so little of my childhood

drugs are bad kids

but in all seriousness, I wonder

if I didn’t want attention

or I learned early to go without it

seeking it in moments of emotional

overwhelm by sulking and pouting

as last-ditch efforts to get it

Maybe the neurodivergence was there earlier

then I realize, I keep thinking these days

the aforementioned drugs might have

caused it, but maybe they just made it worse

or maybe they were the best way

my addled mind found that eased the

noise

I remember sitting for hours, sulking,

wishing internally that someone would care

enough to scale the walls of my defenses

and connect, but I would try to make them

prove they really wanted connection

and most people just wouldn’t persist

I’m finally learning at the age of 36

that the best and most reliable way

of getting needs met is to ask

not covertly hide away

and see who cares enough

to come and find me

like a kid playing hide and seek

but hiding within myself

instead of under the bed