Today is the 31st of January. The first month of this year has already flown by, soon to be followed by the other eleven. And then another and another, it will keep going like this. And yet, simultaneously, there is only a single moment. And it is now.

I watched Boyhood again last night. I enjoyed it just as much as the first time, and I highly recommend it to anyone reading this.

I’ve been fascinated by listening to Alan Watts lately. His wise, sonorous voice will be a part of my consciousness from now on, I believe.

I attended my grandfather’s funeral on Thursday. I cannot express how appalling the minister was to me, and I’m sure many others. In a service meant to remember and honor a man, he instead used the bulk of our time trying to beat the “good news” into all of our heads. And he was all over the place, from the Garden of Eden to pornography, drugs, deathbed conversions, and how they are not a reliable bet…it was all just so inappropriate and unnecessary.

As I sat there though, I noticed a transition happen. I slowly slid from unbridled anger, to withdrawn pity and disdain. I saw an old man shouting into the abyss, shouting affirmations that helped him to justify his life’s work. It was so apparent that I wondered how anyone ever believed in this mockery. And then my eyes rose to see my grandfather’s nose and folded hands which were all I could see above the rim of the coffin. The inability to cope with the loss of a person without some assurance of being reunited is why people believe in these things. That somehow, in some way or another they will live on. That there is some plan, some wonderful grand scheme at work, and that it will all make sense. Just not today, so stop asking, just trust God.

But for some of us, that answer just stops being good enough. Some of us step out of the “light” and once our eyes adjust, we see just how much that light was blinding us all along. And then we start to slowly make our own light. We find something we find noble and true, and we create a spark. And as we feed it, it becomes a flame. One day, we will find ourselves clothed in fire, illuminating our path in all directions as we finally realize that only we can light our way. Because all other lights will blind you when you get too close to them, but the light that emanates from within, that light will let you see the world in all its glorious wonder and ineffable beauty. And all you have to do is the easiest and hardest thing imaginable. Let go.